My Journey in A Course in Miracles
As a personal practice I am doing some free flow or stream of thought writing after each Lesson in the workbook. Here is my personal journal and journey.
Day 1 : Nothing I see in this room (on this street, from this window, in this place) means anything.
Everything is the meaning I give it. Nothing is left exempt from this notion. I feel resistance when this is applied to people in my life, like my children. However, I think that is the point and end goal. To practice non-attachment to things we have become attached to for our perceived happiness. This exercise ultimately becomes a teacher in awareness of where we’ve become attached. If used dogmatically we can become attached to the practice itself, therefore this should become a inner knowing and not done to a level of discomfort or the magic will be lost.
Day 2: I have given everything I see in this room (on this street, from this window, in this place) all the meaning that it has for me.
As the course directs to do not more than one lesson a day, I promised myself not to look ahead to each lesson. Imagine my surprise when I read today’s lesson, my free hand writing was almost word for word lesson 2. Synchronistic? Channeled? Who knows. Everything is afterall the meaning I give it. It left me with not much to say about this lesson except to potentially mull on the two lessons together, or to sound repetitive… that in reality everything I see has no meaning except for the meaning I give it. Pretty powerful. Makes me feel deity-ish. What an immense responsibility. I almost didn’t even do the exercise itself, but instead caught myself “thinking” about doing the exercise. I inwardly smirked at my clever mind then quickly did the exercise. I noticed how fast I attached relative meaning to things and even began to think about them, therefore deducing meaning after meaning after meaning. For instance, when I saw a light switch I thought how little a lightswitch meant to me, but then I thought of how its purpose was to turn on the light so that I may SEE….whoa whoa whoa…light switches have more meaning because, who am I kidding, I need light.
Day 3: I do not understand anything I see in this room (on this street, from this window, in this place).
Fresh eyes is what comes to mind in this lesson. I like this one because it has the feeling of newness and possibility.
I wrote that this morning… then forgot.
Failed a little today but I don’t feel like a failure because when I look back on the day I can see where I thought I may have understood when really I didn’t understand even a little. Notice a little, notice a lot.
Day 4: These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room (on this street…)
I’ve been feeling an incredible sense of freedom lately. This feeling is a result of a combination of things and the lessons have just been confirming this sense freedom. It’s wonderful to release and let go, even if only for a moment, the thought that is weighing on you throughout the day. Rendering my thoughts meaningless is liberating! I especially appreciated when the lesson said to not over do this exercise as “to avoid a tendency to become pointlessly preoccupied.” I never had a problem witnessing my thoughts and being “aware” of my awareness. However, I feel I can veer towards pointless preoccupation with thought. Or overthinking about my thoughts. What a mess! It’s good to quickly let thoughts go, even as you are just aware of them so as not to get sucked into the rabbit hole.
Day 5: I am never upset for the reason I think.
How is it that we can stumble upon something we think can change our lives then forget about it in an instant? Are we that habitual that we cannot change unless we make the darnedest effort to change? I found this exercise really helpful but swiftly forgot it for the rest of the day. I need to post this on my mirror. Or something. This lesson helps put everything into perspective. It gave me a glimmer of hope that the thing that really eats at me may have no power at all. Things that you feel are unshakable, real or true suddenly lose a bit of their seriousness. On the mirror it goes. If I remember :/
Day 6: I am upset because I see something that is not there.
This one is hard to conceptualize. Although I like appreciate the concept that my worries are unfounded or actually imaginary, it’s hard to believe. Again it’s nice to rest easy knowing we are making it all up. If anything, this lesson helps to broaden our narrow minded thinking throughout the day. Perspective, perspective.
Day 7: I see only the past.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Really, everything we are thinking about has already happened or we have our minds made up about it. This makes it hard to live outside the box we’ve created. Only when we can see things with “fresh eyes” can we see it for what it truly is. I like this concept when applied to people. People are always changing, sometimes we can change in a second, yet our people still think of us as they’ve known us in the past. Helpful for obvious reasons but also so very restricting. Especially for those of us committed to growth.
Day 8: My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.
I found it interesting that this morning I did a small meditation that was exactly what this lesson outlined (again, synchronistic). It had been a long time since I meditated and I noticed how out of mediative shape I was. My mind was spastic. I gently kept coming back to the present but my mind easily wandered. I noticed the thoughts that came up and recognized them for what they were– a judgement, something on my to do list, something I felt in my body, etc. The last weeks lessons are settling in or becoming more integrated because I am seeing my thoughts as they are but noticing that they are quite meaningless and ultimately, the past. I think the course is doing it’s work with me. It’s working 🙂
Day 9: I see nothing as it is now.
I felt a little bugged out when I first read the lesson because they have started to feel repetitive. But therein lies the point and my resistance. It’s true, especially for someone with a thinking mind like mine, that I like to intellect and not actually practice. I’d rather contemplate than “do” most of the time. That is why repetitiveness is precisely what’s important for me. Practice, not understanding. Practice, not understanding, is the mantra for the day. I wasn’t able to practice this throughout my day but plan on visiting it more tomorrow. Naturally.
Day 10: My thoughts do not mean anything.
I liked, when reading this lesson, how it outlines in somewhat confusing terminology that when we are thinking our thoughts we actually aren’t thinking at all. And we can only understand that statement when we “recognize nothingness when we think we see it.” This, the Lesson claims, is the prerequisite for true vision. I get the feeling that I may have a small awareness of this but this awareness could be so much larger, beyond. I’ve somewhat failed again because I didn’t read the entire lesson until now–10PM. So I didn’t practice it five times today, however, the tagline has been in my scope of awareness. I hope to practice more tomorrow. I do, I really do.
Day 11: My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world.
I like the “reject everything you think you know to be true” feeling of this lesson. It may just be me but I find comfort in knowing that all the meaning we’ve attached to everything is essentially meaningless. Anyhow…
I still do not know if I should be following the text and workbook lessons in particular order but I’ve been reading one or two subtitles in each chapter of the text (rough estimate) to each workbook lesson. Today I read ch.2 /II – The Atonement as Defense
I loved the part where it talks of the “peace” of God. It talks of a peace thats so powerful and vast its incomprehensible. Error it seems, is only a misunderstanding on our part. This is where denial can be useful. When we aren’t using denial for our own benefit but to rest easy knowing that anything based in fear/darkness and not based in the peace of God is an error and we can deny it as such. We are made in God’s image; we are essentially made errorless because God is..well, God, and anything not of God cannot affect us (it’s just error/misunderstanding/confusion). It says, our healthy mind depends on this sort of denial, as it is based in truth. Yes!!! So, go forth in comfort knowing that when you experience denial* in its rightful form and not out of error or ego, it can only ever affirm your Godliness and free will.
*Rightful denial is any sort of denial that corrects any error that supports the notion that God’s peace is susceptible of error.
Day 12: I am upset because I see a meaningless world.
When we erase what we think we know of the world then we can see God’s glory, unclouded. I felt a lot of resistance to this notion of a meaningless world. It’s human nature to attach meaning to things… but is it really? Or is that just what we’ve been told and taught? We don’t have to attach meaning to everything, yet we do. I think the point of this lesson (and the others) is to understand on a very fundamental level that all is meaningless and when we start to attach meaning or thoughts to things, we create our own reality (and meaning). I suppose it’s best to remember this so we can see where we become our own worst enemy. The meaningless notion is upsetting only because I am attached to the things I’ve given meaning to. My kids make this statement somewhat unbelievable but only because I attached “bad” and “upsetting” to meaninglessness in my own mind. I’ve therefore resisted the notion of meaninglessness and my kids. How can I look at my sweet babies and think, meaningless? Because things are meaningless does not make them bad or good, is just makes whatever it is, just as it is. Pure unadulterated presence, and isn’t presence the end goal? Aren’t we our best when we are ultimately just present with our kids or family? I think so.
*A bit of a side note, if I’m really honest with myself, today when I applied this statement, I noticed that I wasn’t upset but actually relieved that things I fretted over were “meaningless.” I intellectually struggled with the concept and could understand why I could be upset, but when put to practice it felt incredibly freeing– not upsetting.
Day 13: A meaningless world engenders fear.
Look about you and slowly say, “I am looking at a meaningless world.”
Then close eyes and conclude with: “A meaningless world engenders fear because I think I am in competition with God.”
This exercise brought up resistance, as I don’t feel in competition with God. I believe I have reverence and a healthy fear of God. The text says that any form of resistance is fear of “vengeance” of the “enemy.” I assume this is the wrath of God for thinking I’m bigger or better than God, which is what makes this statement a bit confusing. I underlined, “Note carefully, however, any signs of overt fear which it may arouse.” I noticed, as I mentioned above, that I had some overt and covert fear to the thought of being in competition with God.`It goes against everything that I think I know.
Day 14: God did not create a meaningless world.
The exercise in this Lesson felt very bold to me. It says to name all the horrors of the world that cross your mind, then to deny its reality.
For example:
God did not create that murderer, and so it is not real.
I wasn’t to keen on thinking of the horrors of the world as they occur to me. It felt like it was making light of serious situations. It felt a little like denial. It felt as if I was trying to tac on “meaningless” to things that scared me so I could become less afraid or adopt a not-my-problem sort of attitude. Then to end with saying, “God did not create a meaningless world,” felt even more contradictory. I liked the concept of this lesson but it was hard to believe.
Lesson 15: My thoughts are images that I have made.
While looking at things and repeating, “This _____ is an image that I have made,” I noticed things I wouldn’t have normally noticed. Almost like seeing things in a new light. I am curious about what having “true” vision is like. The “light episodes” the text describes, seems to be settle energies or even auras. But maybe I am wrong?
Lesson 16: I have no neutral thoughts.
My favorite passage in this lesson says, “every thought you have brings either peace or war, either love or fear.” Maybe I’m over analyzing the lesson, but saying to myself, ” This thought about _____ is not a neutral thought” really helps to decipher even with very subtle thoughts whether they are fear or love based. It’s almost like asking yourself, “Where am I coming from when I have this thought, Fear or Love?” A good practice and notice.
Lesson 17: I see no neutral things.
This lesson today was somewhat boring to me. I believe I understand what the text is getting at and I actually can see the benefit in practicing this every so often, but in all honesty (and maybe it was just the energy of the day) I felt a littler lackluster during practice periods.
Lesson 18: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing.
I think this lesson is meant to illustrate how what we see is really an outcome of social conditioning and past experience. For example, the mirrors in my hallway have a modern, fashionable look to them. I am not alone in how I see these mirrors. Many other “minds” would probably think the same about them. Our minds since birth have been conditioned to like or dislike certain things; to make assumptions about literally everything in our environment. The way we see things– our perception, will absolutely color every aspect of our experience, like how a bad mood can ruin your day or a good mood can brighten it. I sense, along with a lot of the other lessons, that there is more depth to the lesson than I’m actually writing about. I can feel it, I just can’t explain in words just yet.
Lesson 19: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts.
This lesson was felt fairly similar to yesterdays lesson. I did find the statement, “Lack of order in this connection will ultimately make the recognition of lack of order in miracles meaningful to you,” pretty clever. In layman’s terms, when we start to choose things based not on objectivity they being to have a level of importance to us and these lessons are meant to give equal meaning to everything our eyes rest on. The moment we start putting a level of importance upon things or thoughts, then miracles will have a hierarchy which in reality they do not.
Lesson 20: I am determined to see.
Despite the overwhelming suggestion to repeat, “I am determined to see” every half hour I really enjoyed this lesson. It gave me hope! I kept rereading the last few sentences, “What you desire you will see. Such is the real law of cause and effect as it operates in the world.” Just the intention of seeing truth and acknowledging that I don’t accurately see, will bring true vision. “Your decision to see is all that vision requires. What you want is yours.” LOVE.
