It’s not your fault, the universe is not punishing you

*Caution: Lots of cringe worthy foot pics*

Nobody really wants to read about a bad experience unless some FAB or funny insight is to be had. Not that I have much fab or funny, but I did experience an unsavory event and some resulting insight. Personally, I find the story immensely boring, maybe in part because the sting of the whole situation still hasn’t subsided. So to be brief I’ll forward to the not-so-fun and painful outcome.

I broke my fourth metatarsal, fractured a few other foot bones; had surgery to fix the broken metatarsal, and am presently exuberantly  happy that I’m finished with the dam crutches. It’s been over a month and I’m just beginning to walk again. Barely. Painfully.

I got on… like people do in trying circumstances,  with bouts of denial and mostly shock.

After surgery, I purposely forgot the painful experience. Left crippled and freshly wounded of body and mind, I basically lost my marbles. A combination of too many big life altering events happening all at once, all lead to this painful event. It all compounded into a very unsuspecting moment and I was left feeling like I failed some important test.

I did it again. Another accident.

In retrospect I’m not so sure it was actually my fault, which isn’t even worth going into because the damage was done and I’m committed to looking forward. What was simultaneously illuminating and frustrating was that I automatically assumed fault, responsibility, and shame for an ACCIDENT.

Anyone see what I’m getting at here?

What in me, when left with a seconds to make a decision, felt the need to immediately point the finger to myself?

I reckon it’s better than pointing the finger at someone else, some innocent bystander, yet I couldn’t help but feel like I was the innocent bystander and was being wrongfully blamed by none other than myself.

I recall thinking at some point prior to the accident, that it had been quite some time since I’d been in an accident or pulled over for some harebrained mistake. I had the disturbed thought,”It’s been awhile, so something must be coming.” It’s almost as if I expected something bad to occur and was inadvertently trying to lessen the blow.

Almost as if I was asking god to get it over with.

This silly defense mechanism is used to lesson the pain of hardship by mentally preparing ourselves for some awful make-believe reality so that when actual reality happens, we say, “well, at least it wasn’t as bad as I expected.” Standards are set low and we expect so little of life in hopes that real life hardship won’t graze us, and if it does well… well…we’ll be prepared. As clever as this may be, is doesn’t work.

I’d had enough of living and thinking that way and was actually doing pretty good at coping with life circumstances then, bam!, life throws a curve ball,  a tad too much than you were prepared for.

So to set the record straight…

Just because you think something…and because a lot of us are on the thoughts become reality boat, doesn’t mean you some how made things happen, you deserved something, or that you’re inextricably at fault.

When something bad happens in your life it wasn’t your failure to understand the signs the universe had been telling you.

You aren’t in trouble for missing your work-out or yoga class. Ya… maybe you coulda’ been a bit more grounded but because you weren’t grounded doesn’t mean that this or that is going to happen to you. (I say this because I went into a grounding mania a few day after the surgery, laying in the grass, researching special grounding shoes, etc..)

God isn’t punishing you because you didn’t pray, go to church, give generously and selflessly.

Shit happens, and sometimes when shit happens we need to realize it for exactly what it is. A frrreaking accident.

People are always trying to find meaning in everything. Even if that meaning puts us at fault and makes us feel shittier. We need a reason in a chaotic world to feel safe, even if safe is looking pretty dim. Get this though, sometimes things don’t need to have a meaning. We need to find our own meaning within our own individual circumstances.

We have to surrender to the fact that we can’t know everything, can’t figure everything out and just because something happens doesn’t mean we are responsible for it. Tweet

 

So even though I may have gotten mildly addicted to sleeping pills from overwhelming anxiety, had many mini melt downs, contracted a few non-life threatening symptoms mainly of a hypochondriac and over-thinking nature, I’m not going to try to figure out why this happened to me anymore and chock this one up in the accident category, let myself off the hook, and maybe, next time, try be a bit more present and grounded🙂

Loads of Love and Kisses,