Part 2: Multiple Children, Motherhood, and Reality

I once had visions of what my life would look like, especially my family life; the way I would raise my kids, what my house would look like.

I saw myself running errands with my kids, crafting, cooking and holding frequent play dates and BBQs at OUR house. My cookie cutter parenting vision is, to be completely frank, none of the above. Yet I still long for; try to achieve, some of these varying aspects.

Slowly, yet not quite completely, I’ve given up the reigns.

Maybe it was turning the big 3-0 and I was tired of wanting instead of enjoying.

Or just tired.

I’m unmarried to my best friend who’s the most unconventional man on earth (you can’t categorize him even if we tried…unless of course, you want to be eternally perplexed) and although my kids have one of the most present and amazing fathers, I don’t have the factotum (the conventional follow directions kind); let’s go out to dinner; have deep conversations, kind of partner. We have wildly different views on what a wedding, house, and life after kids looks like. I love him and accept him for who he is but the clash in ideals consistently tests our relationship.

Presently, he is my greatest challenge and teacher. 

I don’t have a single close friend whose had children the same time I have, although I have many friends with kids they aren’t the close type you call for everyday advice or maternal camaraderie. This is why, sometimes, deep in my heart, I long for a sister.

The entertaining portion of my life is pretty nonexistent unless we’re invited to someone else’s house which is rare and sometimes awkward, mainly because I’m a bit starved for connection, and my kids father would rather be home eating his own organic vegetarian meal instead of the typical BBQ or potluck fair. Also – I like to burn the midnight oil; have a few– and talk about deep intellectual things. My kids and their Father are less inclined to hang around for my personal enjoyment.

As a child, I used to craft and create pretty and delicate things, a stark difference to my boys, who’d rather rip, demolish, jump off of or throw, then say….make nice pretty things? So crafting with them usually ends with my demanding they put lids on their markers and play-doh cups. Neither happens, and I have loads of dry markers and rock solid play doh (now weapons.)

Cooking, you ask?

Okay, you didn’t… but let’s just say I’m not Rachel Ray unless you’re talking no-bakes, rice crispy treats, or a detailed recipe and lots of hours to blow. Why can’t my darling vegetarian have less of a sweet tooth? Ok, fine…I’m equally as bad, if not worse!

Cooking real whole food??

Well… when you and “Bae” both work multiple jobs; one is vegetarian and one is carnivore, you get creative or lazy. Does anyone eat as much mac and cheese and frozen pizza like we do? It’s a real bugger because I love taking the time to cook and can really rock at it, if I had the time or energy. When is there ever all the required “fresh” ingredients needed and when is there EVER a few free hours?

I don’t have the relationship I’ve always imagined, the clean pretty house, the friends with kids over on a random Friday night.  I don’t have the social life or even the life I’ve imagined with kids. Gripe, Gripe….

But guess what?

There is still time to create the life I’ve always wanted. Even so… that pretty perfect life seems to be the life I’m currently living, just a bit more authentic starring an oblivious protagonist. I’m better for the struggles and stronger in a lot of ways because of circumstance.

There are moments in our invariably messy house that I feel more blessed than any mom on earth. My three year old always tells me out of the blue, “I love you, Mommy.” What is better than that?!?! And my 18 month old, still has to sit in your lap or snuggle his head in the nape of your neck.

And they both laugh all the time. Everything is funny. What could be better than everything being funny?Tweet

It’s worth it!

I know all moms get this because it’s now so “cliche.” Duh, it’s worth it, that’s why women have more and more, and I can completely understand why. I get it. I do. It’s not hard for me to imagine myself with a giant family, actually the thought makes me all rosy inside.

Here’s the the thing though, I’ve come to realize -not without some grief, that I’m not the mother I thought I’d be. Some women are so good with their kids, soooo good! Reality blew my cookie cutter parenting view, but I’m so much better…deeper for it. My life may not be pretty to conventional standards, but my heart…well, it’s been broken, broken open to all the best of things that convention cannot offer or understand.

As Glennon Doyle Melton once said, “I believe there are people who love their kids and people who love parenting.” Tweet

After my second child (and first if I’m true), I couldn’t help but feel claustrophobic. I felt close to running away and I did, in not so obvious ways, but not for long because I’d miss my boys too much. Something in me was moved and all I knew was that I could feel a change in me. My mission began to be greater than my children (maybe I’d help millions of children?).

I feel I have some good work to do in this world, aside from and along side of being a mom.Tweet

I sometimes feel this could be where postpartum begins, with an over-identification with being a mom, we lose our sense of self and then get depressed.

So to you new mom’s, life doesn’t stop (and it also does) when you become a mom, it just becomes greater.

You still have to do YOU. The best we can do for our kids is not be martyrs that lived only for them but instead be everything we’ve ever wanted to be, and maybe being a fabulous mother is just what you are meant to be, or maybe it isn’t.

When asked if I want more kids I stutter a little. I stutter because I have a lot of work I feel I need to do, even if I’m not sure what that work is yet. I stutter because honesty, I’m not super mom and I don’t physically and emotionally know if I can handle more than my precious two. Most of all I stutter because I know deep in my heart I’ll always want more, that I do want a little girl and it may hurt a little if I don’t get it. But it’s all okay, more than okay, because gratitude for what I do have, two awesome boys, moves me from lack to abundance, and all is good and right.

To all our Abundance,