Warning: Extremely candid dialog about having multiple children

*Please read with grace for me and others, these sort of admissions are hard to express, especially publicly. My hope is that we can ask better questions of each other and maybe be a bit more understanding of one another. Pay attention, if you hold some of my projections or beliefs offensive or hard to hear, they may also be a unconscious belief you hold, or not 🙂 You all are brave and beautiful so let’s dive in:

It seems greedy to want two kids but three? Now that just seems excessive..

Like who do I think I am?

This is the kind of self judgement I feel and why I suspiciously look at other mothers with multiple children and think:

“how unfair to the child”      “the older siblings just become babysitters”       “people just have kids to fill the empty places in their hearts”      “they have lots of money so they can hire help and literally don’t have to raise their own kids”

and even… “lets have loads of kids, then we’ll have loads of kids and then grandkids to love us because we can’t love ourselves.”

Ouch…Stay with me here if you have multiple wee ones…

These are judgements I have put on myself and thusly projected onto you.Tweet

They are also opinions that have been expressed to me at various times in my life which I regrettably internalized.

I admit, I AM that person when asked if I want any more kids…

My immediate response is, Heavens NO! – with my hands and head held high, like… Hell freaking, NO. And part of me really means it, sort of– kind of– I’m actually not so sure, because as much as I can barely wrangle two boys right now, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a girl.

That moment is quickly over and I am suddenly in one of those memes on Pinterest…Getting slapped in the face, “Snap the F’ out it, woman.”

This defensive reprisal is very much a response to a deep distrust of the person in question, their motives; their character…I’m a leery person by nature, but this very importantly relates to the projection principal. Im leery, because it’s hard for me to trust myself.

Why on earth would you ask me if I want more kids?Tweet

Is this some twisted hilarity you get from my stuttery, shocked, or confused and not-at-all collected response?

Yaaa just couldn’t help yourself or your curiosity could ya?

Well apparently either can I because sometimes I ask dear parents the same thing, maybe out of a deep curiosity of what they think. I digress, the responses are pretty darn entertaining at times. Add myself to that entertaining list, because some of us, I’d say some of the best of us are plainly– not-so-sure about the kid question.

Unfortunately, I’ve been fraught with critical thoughts like, “I know they think I want zillions of kids; are judging my capabilities of having another kid– much less the ones I have.”

I’ve sometimes felt a “one-up” game being played,“who can have more kids and do it better?

I’ve also had good friends become absent in my life since having kids, which may have wrongly lead me to assume that they either can’t handle the bustle of kids or this wretched thought: “I know you don’t want me to have more kids because you desperately want a kid, or more kids– or even my (supposed) happiness in relation to my family life is in some aspect your failure.”

We even have the well meaning kidless person, God bless them, who sees you as some kid zealot, creating an army for your own comfort or out of some lack of social conscience or maturity.

Ive heard many say and not without some merit, “population control!!” or “save the planet.. limited resources!” I’ve probably even said this myself before I had my incredible little boys.

And lastly, I promise…the degrading, oppressive feminine cultural standard or ideal:

“I’m more fertile and can have an abundance of kids because it’s sooo easy for me! I always look awesome postpartum, still enjoy a very independent lifestyle; do all the things I love, all while enjoying a perfect family life, yes, yes… I have it alllllllllll.”

Can you see these people (even if imaginary) or have you played them in your head?

Are we playing against each other?Tweet 

I know I’ve had these thoughts but not without deep shame for it. Like the obsessive compulsive, sometimes these thoughts happen so fast, they are already present and I am already ashamed and remorseful for my bigotry and callousness. I know deep in my soul that all of the above has nothing to do with being a strong and brave woman.

I am not proud of everything I just listed above but because I’ve felt it; can still sometimes feel it, I wanted to be truthful.

All of it is nasty, ugly, lack-ridden, defensive, deeply disgraceful thoughts that have passed through my head. All a combination of personal and cultural experience; very much suppressed, repressed and painful to bear witness to.

Raising kids is a deep act of service. If you believe in karma (or not) I would say it’s a karmic debt or spiritual service of some sort. You give up your life for a very specific kind of life. A mighty life.Tweet

 

I’m sure, there are many, many sides to every story, from the very conscious decision to be kidless, to the heartbroken barren. And there are women who do marvelous at childrearing and some undoubtedly feel it is what they are meant to do in this life. Much power to those mothers (and fathers) because our children ARE our future. We women are vastly different, which is why I’m going to reflect a bit on myself and our lifestyle with two boys, then maybe you’ll understand why I say heck no, albeit weakly, to child number 3.

Part 2 will be a posted in a few days, but in the meantime, are there any thoughts you’ve had that are hard to admit?

Until tomorrow or the next day,