Finding your Tribe

Edgy.

That best describes how I’ve been feeling. It stems from a longing to be just myself and have those around me accept me for what I am –whatever that may look like.

I’ve noticed when feeling vulnerable, sad, sick, or even going through transformations, my nearest and dearest are either absent or uneasy around me. I have that ubiquitous feeling that my emotional needs aren’t being met.

Now you could be thinking, find new friends (!) and that may be so, but let me start with a story.

Not so long ago while out with some friends and acquaintances, a delightful woman, whose husband typically has too much to drink and is usually a bit saucy for the average person, showcased herself exemplary in what it means to love someone, just as they are –in the moment, drunkenness aside. He was a bit demanding, overly loud, and a bit of a show. To the easily embarrassed or self conscious it would have been pretty humiliating.

She however, was unfettered, gracious, and even humorous.

Perplexed… and curious, I felt like the Grinch, teetering from the mountain top, bewildered at the joyous singing and resilience of the Whoville heart.

How did she do it?

She stayed loving but not in any sense compromising. She didn’t condone such behavior but rather, appeared to fully accept it.

A seemingly loving act indeed, to accept and also love.

I yearned to be like that, and desperately wanted to feel that sort of love. We’ve all seen people dance too silly, talk too fast, laugh too loud, and other differing arrays of behavior, all deemed socially or culturally awkward. It takes a warrior heart to flip the bird to convention and go your merry way, fist pumping to your girlfriend’s stellar dance moves or lovingly enjoying the boisterous or high pitched voice of another.

I’m not sure how this friend felt deep in her soul –hell, she coulda’ been expertly faking. What I do know is that she is ultra supportive in moments when others turn a judgmental cheek. I’ve displayed my share of emotional, slightly buzzed moments where I talked a bit too much (and probably too loud), shed more than a tear, or vented a tad too long. However, when I woke, in that slightly depressed and body wounded state (I’m sensitive to booze) I didn’t feel shame or the need to apologize.

I simply… it simply, was what it was, and I was no less for it.

Now this booze example is likely not the best portrayal, but suffice it to say, it’s when we are our least vibrant, that our peoples are tested.

How do they make you feel when you are not, as Ri Ri would belt –“shining bright like a diamond?”

Feelings are revealing and if I’m honest, I’ve been experiencing a disorienting confusion and disparagement in regards to “my feelings.” It’s deadly to look to others for validation, and it’s not their job to honor your feelings, but with our closest of close, be it family or friends, do they lift you when you’re down?

Or are you left somehow feeling spirit-broken?

Do they help you sort it out or do they tell you to suck it up, get it together, or maybe even that you had it coming?

When we don’t have real, authentic relationships we can start to doubt our ourselves and what we know to be true.

We may even become “whiney”…. We seek out these experiences from our so-called-people, albeit unconsciously, so that we can… get ready for it, feel heard! “Feeling heard” will not come. Again, validation ultimately comes from within, but it’s so important to have people who see you.

Just you, as you are, in this very moment.

And for better or worse, honor who you are.

Notice! Are your people perpetually faltering? If this is so, issues are left unresolved because we are left feeling confused, as if somehow we or how we are feeling is “wrong” in the first place.

WE ARE NOT WRONG –for feelings are important indicators from our soul. Be wary of those who are not really for you. You can find yourself making poor decisions in vain attempts to gain approval.

I’ve come to believe that the best we can be for others is kind and open– or in fashionest of terms compassionate.

But mostly, just be present.

Sit with others. Touch them even. Touch can speak volumes, I know, because I melt like butter when touched.

But please… dear ones, don’t bury your nose in your phone, in the laundry, or any other busy work. Don’t try to fix or give advice. Maybe it looks like, “I see you, your pain, and I am here.” Or maybe it looks like, “You, my friend, are a hot mess right now (don’t say that) but because I care about you, more than or in spite of my social image, I’m going to roll with you.”

Just like my sweet friend and her inebriated hunny.

If you have found your tribe, rock on– you are so lucky!

But if you haven’t, you sexy lone wolf, you must find your pack! You cannot be a secret anymore. All secrets, if not for enjoyment, are more or less destructive. If you find yourself without people – people who hear and listen to you -then I hope you find them soon. We deserve to be heard, because what we say matters, and well… YOU matter. Have faith in your pack; they will find you and you will find them. Be the unwavering alpha, howling at the moon for whats rightfully hers.

Fiercely yours,